Diary of an American

For GJF
life goes on full stop
time lies to me
I wander aimlessly in a
black soul abyss
a walking shadow,
myspan a shade
colors dissipated run through sieve never returned gone his boyishness
reduced to flat and black and white
fifteen years today
my world was silenced forever
birthdays come and fade like winter grass
and do not grow again in spring
they arrive flatly
they are more like signposts pointing
to a destination inevitable and
too far away
for one walking so slow it seems
that if one loved again it would be a pale
shadow of the love that once was vibrant
rainbows pulsating against the azure sky
of his eyes that wept poetry and song and whispered
just rightly was home and hearth and heart
until that day of scissor-cutting disappearance
in which I bleed no more but bleed transparency in dark and quiet
corners
I go on
I go on
I go on
traversing insurmountable distance
only looking for the sea now, for dreams of quiet waiting for
my time to walk through that golden door
(maybe) maybe he would not be there maybe he is nowhere
that uncertainty does not thrill
more cutting
cut-out paper heart that no longer pumps
only pretends viciously mocking me
there are distances only to be traversed in dreams of conversations
in celestial gardens
the conversations that are silent and understood as the deer understands
the change of seasons and steps lightly into meadows without fear
those are whispers on the winds just enough to make
the living wonder if doors open
on the other side of forever or if these suggestions merely
tease a playground bully offering a slice of sunshine
only to fling it down to dirt
this we are accustomed to, this emptiness
the hole-eating acid of missing
that only ends in dull ache
my walking shadow goes on tiredly
doggedly
the hole no one sees a bulky burden black weeping
mass despite colors invisibly wearing mourningblack
day and night night and day year after year crawling
imperceptibly towards Bethlehem this life
this life
shadows and shades, shades and shadows
and I have so ever long to go
voiceless
lost
longing
2013