For GJF life goes on full stop time lies to me I wander aimlessly in a black soul abyss a walking shadow, myspan a shade colors dissipated run through sieve never returned gone his boyishness reduced to flat and black and white fifteen years today my world was silenced forever birthdays come and fade like winter grass and do not grow again in spring they arrive flatly they are more like signposts pointing to a destination inevitable and too far away for one walking so slow it seems that if one loved again it would be a pale shadow of the love that once was vibrant rainbows pulsating against the azure sky of his eyes that wept poetry and song and whispered just rightly was home and hearth and heart until that day of scissor-cutting disappearance in which I bleed no more but bleed transparency in dark and quiet corners I go on I go on I go on traversing insurmountable distance only looking for the sea now, for dreams of quiet waiting for my time to walk through that golden door (maybe) maybe he would not be there maybe he is nowhere that uncertainty does not thrill more cutting cut-out paper heart that no longer pumps only pretends viciously mocking me there are distances only to be traversed in dreams of conversations in celestial gardens the conversations that are silent and understood as the deer understands the change of seasons and steps lightly into meadows without fear those are whispers on the winds just enough to make the living wonder if doors open on the other side of forever or if these suggestions merely tease a playground bully offering a slice of sunshine only to fling it down to dirt this we are accustomed to, this emptiness the hole-eating acid of missing that only ends in dull ache my walking shadow goes on tiredly doggedly the hole no one sees a bulky burden black weeping mass despite colors invisibly wearing mourningblack day and night night and day year after year crawling imperceptibly towards Bethlehem this life this life shadows and shades, shades and shadows and I have so ever long to go voiceless lost longing 2013
at the end, the precipice. no signs forward no signs back no bridge over no wings to fly only wide open black space descending down away from the sky
Then a movement in the wind catches my eye in this world of black and white there at the crossroads the devil waits under the black yew tree in the early night waiting there for me under the rough yew tree his black hat doffed, courting me once more a secret love, it never dies that long ago was born And once again I see Him calling softly for me under that dark yew tree it is him there seducing and pointing toward the precipice
behind this demon love there a carousel appears singing tinny melodies from forgotten Depression years
round and round she goes where the children are nobody knows there are only empty painted horses and music no one hears
and I on knife’s edge teetering as the carousel horses leer they know you were gone forever and also know you returned. As you beckon smiling, (a great black bird sweeps by) in the bird I see your beauty in the greyness of its eyes I contract, I fly… seeking you in flight on we soar once again through the joyful black night
Morning comes, wind-music singing in my ears I have not yet noticed that you disappeared Gliding still there in the sky with you I am a bird and then I notice no more carousel and No more grey eyed man of flight.
spinning arcing wheeling falling out of control I stare alone down the windshear precipice once more and hear the sudden clicking slide of pebbles falling down this deep dark hole
where do you go when love is flown and taken truth and souls?